The Pratical Guide To Being Happy

I saw this post on Instagram this week, another in an ever growing list of misty eyed, 'far away look' quotes, set in a sepia tone, that are meant to make the person posting look like a social media philosopher.

I don't know why, but they get right on my goat.

It took me on to search the #happiness hashtag to see what other absolute classics cropped up. In delightful scripts and set over pictures of beaches, I found some real golden nuggets.

'Expect Less'

'Give More'

'Do More of What Makes You Smile'

& my all time favourite...

'Have happy thoughts. They will shine out of your face and you will always look lovely'.

Please.

As great as these quotes look tattooed on your wrist or written on your chalk board, they aren't very applicable to everyday life are they? They are kind of only suitable for those of us lucky enough to be lying in a hammock with a muscly man fanning us with banana leaves, whilst we look down at our naturally toned stomach.

This isn't to say there's no hope for us...the commuting, working, gym goers of the world. But there's a much more sensible and pragmatic way to seek contentment.

And here it is.

.The Practical Guide To Being Happy.

Accept situations for what they are, don't judge them against how you thought they were going to turn out.

Life aint a fairytale, and as it goes, you are actually more likely to find the love of your life on bloody Tinder than catching the eye of someone across a crowded room at a party 'you weren't even going to go to'. Doesn't make your story any less lovely. Be ok with it.

Make an effort with yourself.

 If you go out looking like a bag of shit, you'll feel like a bag of shit. It's science. Get to the gym, buy a hairbrush, find your inner peace.

Learn to enjoy your own company.

There is no truer state of happy than that found in a pair of jogging bottoms, on your sofa, eating Dominos straight from the box, in the view of nobody. Apart from, perhaps, the state of happy found at the bottom of a pot of hummus. But to save the cholesterol, just jam on your own one night a week. It's bliss.

Don't expect less.

That's literally the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Expect more. Why lower your expectations? Live by the analogy that you would never settle for a Happy Meal when you had every intention of going Extra Value with a side of nuggets. Life should be like this. Chase the Big Mac dream.

Delete people that make you feel bad about who you are or what you do.

 In short, avoid arseholes. Being judged for drinking on a school night, or getting sideways glances for going back out with the guy you know isn't really very good for you, isn't what you need in life. Stay close to the mates that will open the wine for you and give you a high five for getting your kicks. Everyone else can play with traffic.

Be ok with the past being the past.

Things end for a reason. Jobs, relationships, friendships, Breaking Bad. Leave them where they belong and don't dwell.

Don't over commit.

You've set amount of hours in the day and days in the week. Don't try and tear yourself in five different directions. Be practical about what you can do. Don't stress yourself out and don't piss people off by always being late. Simples.

  

 Realise your worth.

If you're a bit of a bastard, then fully expect to be kicked around. If you're the best then demand to be treated as such...or just not like an idiot. Don't get too ahead of yourself, but don't be a doormat.

Don't compromise on the big things.

Yes, back down on the inane crap like bed linen colour choices and washing up. Don't compromise on the things you've always dreamed of. Travel, kids, an x-box in the bathroom etc.

Stop trying to improve your physical self. 

Ok, be healthy and abide by the basics of personal hygiene. But on the whole, you got what you got. Deal. True story - confidence is attractive. Constantly folding your arms in front of the bust you view inadequate isn't. Enjoy the fact that your bras don't resemble circus tents.

Don't focus too heavily on work.

True, enjoy what you do, you are there A LOT. But don't blur the lines. It's the thing that should pay for us to get on planes, treat ourselves and eat in places that aren't Wimpy. It shouldn't be the thing that gets in the way.

Stop planning.

My least favourite people are those with 'five year plans'. Something will f-up in the matrix and you'll end up disappointed. Have a vague idea of what you'd like. Other than that, go with the bloody flow.

Don't be uptight.

Not only will it ultimately lead to wrinkles and early onset angina, nothing is really worth it. Save getting wound up for the day you get declared bankrupt, for the day you loose someone close, for the day United get relegated. Don't waste energy on delayed trains or arsey emails. Chill, Winston.

& lastly.

Have a vice.

Smoke, swear, juggle naked, eat Doritos in the morning, drink gin through your eye if you want. But have that little thing that's yours, that you probably shouldn't do, but that makes you feel nicely dirty.

Bliss.

LL x

Autumn

So this week someone decided it was a good idea to turn the tap on in the clouds and remind us all that a summer of festivaling and beers in the park is well and truly over. The heating went on and the commutes home are now officially done in the dark. Autumn's here, Christmas is round the corner and I've well and truly got the hump.

So here it is.

My list of the 20 things that I hate about Autumn.

1. You realise that months spent with your feet in flip flops has meant that they have spread, which means that everything closed toe that goes on them now feels like a mouse trap. Hello blisters!

2. Your skin dries out. You look like an elephant. End.

3. Conversations begin to centre solely around Christmas which does nothing but make you realise that another year is nearly over and you're STILL not a millionaire.

4. Your depressing lack of remaining annual leave dawns on you...

5....as does the realisation that you need to pay all the holidays and festivals off of your credit card in one month flat so you can actually afford Christmas.

6. You need to update your wardrobe but realise there are only two types of clothes available to purchase now - 1) the slutty sequined Christmas dress, 2) the rank novelty jumper. Joy.

7. Oh yeah, the fact that someone turns the sky off at 5pm everyday. Love that.

8. Girls - the drama of wearing tights in general. But especially wearing tights on office chairs. HELLO ITCH - HOW ARE YOU?

9. Having to wear clothes that are suitable for scuba diving and sunbathing everyday because the weather has an undiagnosed bipolar disorder.

10. Your Instagram feed is filled with pictures of leaves. And puddles. And people's feet in boots. Yawn. I'm only interested in rudely placed conkers. Thanks.

11. You start to gain weight at a rate of knots. You go into 'I'm a bear' mode and feel the need to eat everything in sight in preparation for the hibernation that will never occur.

12 . ADVENT CALENDARS ON SALE IN OCTOBER. NO!

13. The fact that you're expected to wake up in the dark. Not natural. Not. Natural.

14. Your skin looses any element of glow it had. You are now required to carry out some sort of foundation based plaster work to stop you commuting looking like Casper The Friendly Ghost.

15. Having to try and remember how your boiler works, and spend the evening in fear you're going to gas yourself out. Every single girls worst nightmare FYI.

16. You get all your jumpers out of the deepest darkest drawer from February to realise they kind of smell of must. Grim.

17. Drinking inside of the pub is now required. Not happy.

18. Having to put up with Louis Walsh on your TV every weekend between now and Christmas. Just disappear/ get arrested already. 

19. The revival of the onesie. The least flattering, most awful item of clothing anybody, ever invented.

and last but by no means least....

20. The Pride of Britain awards are on TV. Which means two things and two things only. 1) Two hours of Carol 'my dress is inappropriate for this occasion' Voderman 2) two hours of endless sobbing at the kids with no arms that are already such better people that you will EVER be.

LL x

The Subtext of That Text

Yes. I sat at home on Sunday afternoon, alone, and in a hoodie. I ate burritos, with my hair piled up on my head and I watched Sex and The City: The Movie. Contentment doesn't even cover it.

I watched for 90 minutes of cliches and really dramatic break ups whilst secretly praying that work will one day relocate me to New York. What can I say? Writing this blog looking out over Central Park will top Croydon Tramlink any day of the week. (I'm joking flatmate...our home is lush!)

I forgot about the one scene in the film that rings truer with me than any of the rest of them (mainly because they all involve million dollar apartments & $400 shoes). Carrie and Louise from St Louis sit in a bar, Louise receives a 'booty text', Carrie goes into real detail about understanding the 'subtext of that text' and how apparently a man wanting to meet for drinks after 11pm, obviously means he actually wants to get his leg over, and not meet the girl in question for a quiet cocktail.

Well you know, she's a writer, so she knows this shiz. Ahem. 

Watching this scene from SATC made me chuckle. The amount of conversations I've had of late with girls at work where minutes and minutes (read hours and hours) can be spent talking about the possible meanings behind, what is probably, a half arsed one liner from guys they are dating. Women are over-thinkers to the very end and dissecting text messages is one of our biggest flaws.

I decided it was time to tackle this head on and stop us all from trying too hard to get to the bottom of what the 'subtext of that text' really is. To do this, I've chosen some prime 'bloke' texts and some classics from the last few months of chatting over the photocopier to use as an example. I hope this comes in useful and helps you to chill the hell out.

**

What he text: 'Let me know when you get home x' (after a date)

What a girl reads it as: He really cares about my safety and obviously had such a good time that he couldn't wait until tomorrow to text me. Maybe we'll get married. Although, hang on. There's no question mark. Does that mean I have to reply? Will I hear from him again? AH MY HEAD HAS EXPLODED.

What he meant: Get home safe, I was brought up well so have manners enough to check. 

**

What he text: 'It would be good to catch up'

What a girl reads it as: AAAAAAAH he's asking me out on a date. What am I going to wear? Oh I wonder where we'll go. 

What he meant: I might give you a ring over the weekend.

**

What he text: 'how's it all going?' - after several months of no communication.

What a girl reads it as: Oh wow, he's still thinking about me. Bet he's regretting never calling me now.

What he meant: You just changed your profile picture on Facebook, you're looking pretty fit so I thought I'd chance my luck with this non commital attempt at getting in touch. 

**

What he text: 'what are you up to this weekend?x'

What a girl reads: AAAAAAAH he's asking me out on a date. What am I going to wear? Oh I wonder where we'll go. (you'll notice this pattern)

What he meant: I'm making polite midweek conversation. It's Tuesday. I literally have no idea what the weekend holds and refuse to make plans until I've spoken to the boys.

**

What he text: 'Was really good to see you'

What a girl reads: Well, are you going to see me again, are we doing this another time? AAAH

What he meant: It was genuinely good to see you but now I'm going to sleep/play xbox/ the gym/ can't be handling any more conversation for this evening. 

**

What he text: 'What do you fancy doing this evening?'

What a girl reads: Must instantly google Time Out's top ten places to eat in the capital and pre book a table at a good bar so he thinks I'm edgy and cool .

What he meant: Please offer up a pizza and DVD night. I went out on the lash yesterday and attempting to plan more than my journey home is painful. 

**

What he text: ' ;)' normally following a near the mark comment about your underwear

What a girl reads: Oh he is a cheeky chappy, but I'll give him a slap if he goes that far again. 

What he meant: No but seriously, what underwear do you have on?

**

What he text: 'Fancy a quick drink after work?'

What a girl reads: AAAAAAAH he's asking me out on a date. What am I going to wear? Oh I wonder where we'll go. (see where we are going with this)

What he meant: I'm on a stag do this weekend, but don't want you to go all GirlNuts on me so a cheeky mid week drink will keep things sweet.

**

What he text: 'Looking forward to it x'

What a girl reads: He's the one.There's a kiss. He's the one.

What he meant: Friday night will be a laugh, quite looking forward to another evening in your company, the kiss is clear progress from my side. However, we don't really need to text again before then.

**

What he text:  'I'll let you know when I'm about' 

What a girl reads: I must stare at my phone for the next fortnight and not make many plans in case of one of those impromptu mid week date offers!

What he meant: It's unlikely you'll hear from me again. 

**

What he text : 'You about?' Sent Friday 23.06. Typically from a flakey bloke.

What a girl reads: Should I stop everything I'm doing and get on the tube to wherever he is? It's 11pm. It's Friday. We could still have a nice evening together.

What he meant: I'm pissed and have needs. Get me.

**

What he text: 'Ha.' Followed on from some mediocre banter on your part.

What a girl reads: I mean, this is the seventh time I've text him in a fortnight, responses have been thin on the ground but I've obviously hit the nail on the head with that last bit of banter. Winner. Still hope yet.

What he meant: Stop texting me. Now.

**

LLx

Things I'll Never Understand

It's been a little while, so to get you & I into the swing of things again, here's a quicky.

The top 20 things I will never understand.

1. People that shout down the phone when speaking to someone abroad. It's a phone - it does the volume for you. Screaming from your office in Soho won't make the guy in Singapore understand you better.

2. Olives. Like what are they? A grape? A vegetable? Rank? Yes. So rank.

3. The Phone Watch. You are neither James Bond nor Inspector Gadget. You are an accountant from Coulsdon on 08.06 to London Victoria. Wind your neck in.

4. Blokes that pretend they actually want to be in Ikea. Grow a pair, stand your ground and go straight to the hot dogs.

5.The eggs in McDonalds. They are clearly not made from anything remotely resembling an egg but they are so god damn tasty. What is that?

6. Fruit sauces with meat. Do you see me whacking a load of strawberry jam in my ham sandwich? No. Why? Because it's sick and wrong. Keep your apple slush away from my pork.

7. Blokes that think calling females 'hunny' is appropriate. It isn't for the record. Not now. Not tomorrow. Not ever. No.

8. People that 'don't get' Nandos. What is there 'to get'? It's chicken. You eat it. You leave.

9. People under the age of 30 who have difficulty typing at speed. I'm sorry, did you not grow up relying on MSN messenger as your sole form of communication?

10. TOWIE. Like, what? And why? The scripted-but it's real life-but people can't genuinely be that thick-it's actual horse shit programme. Totally over my head.

11. People that write into the Metro's Rush Hour Crush. At the very best, you sound like a murder-ey stalker.

12. Parents that allow their kids to undergo national humiliation on the X Factor without telling them that instead of sounding like the next Mariah Carey, the noise from their mouth resembles a dying fox.

13. People that text to ask how you are....and never reply to your response.

14. Gabby Logan. Completely don't understand the point of her. Other than to be there to try and sex up football programmes. Without being remotely sexy. Or knowing much about football.

15. Fancy dress. Enforced fun will never be for me. I don't understand why you have to dress like a tit to have a nice time? I enjoy myself far more in my own jeans.

16. The use of the phrase ASAP. No, instead of completing that task in a timely manner, I was going to scratch my bum a bit and play four games of online Sudoko before doing it. Come on now.

17. Talking of puzzles. Those crosswords that have no black bits filled in. Talk about pointless mind fuck.

18. Tinder. Go to the pub. Talk to a girl. Know from the get go if she has all her own teeth and no lazy eyes.

19.Celery. Utterly pointless, negative calorie, water filled grass-ness.

And last but by no means least...

20. Horoscopes. Complete and utter crap scrawled down by a fat bloke with a telescope from Argos with a fetish for putting on a black wig and calling himself Meg. Weird.

LL x

Assumptions

I've been talking to a customer of ours at work for nearly a year. We speak twice a week and after 11 months of listening to his gruff, Hull accent telling me what for on the phone and knowing how frustratingly bad he is at sending emails, I had the perfect picture in my head. A 68 year old, rotund Father Christmas look-a-like with a pot belly and greying stubble. Your standard white, middle aged Yorkshire man, who's never really been out of the Hull, let alone the country. 

The door buzzes at work last Monday, and my back goes up. He's here and I know we are in for a 4 hour appointment of whining, moaning and finger pointing about all that's gone wrong, as this old grandad munches his way through our biscuit supply whilst wiping his lunch down his cords. 

'You must be Jo' says the familiar voice. Around I turn to be met by a 6 foot 4, 45 year old, Armani wearing, stunning bald black guy who's just got off the plane from Ibiza. I'm literally knocked off the spot, and also fancy him quite a bit. I was dumb struck for at least half an hour, and couldn't believe I'd got my assumption so wrong. My old boss used to live by the motto of 'Never Assume' and at times like this I know why. He was a delight in the showroom, and I left for the day with a new mate and a new older man crush. Who'd have thought!

It also got me thinking how many wrong assumptions we all make on a daily basis, and how quick we are to make them.

Assumptions such as;

- A guy who wears Converse or Vans with a suit must work in 'media, darling'. And probably lives in a house share with artisans. No doubt in East London. No thought is ever given to his general comfort. 

- The guy that brings a McDonalds into work must be hanging. Not just hungry. Or fancying a treat. But automatically a pisshead. In everyone's eyes. 

- All builders are straight. All dancers are not. All people that work in museums never get laid because they smell like old books.

- The really leggy blonde, with lovely eyes and a killer smile at the bar, is obviously waiting for her 7ft 9 rugby playing boyfriend with two dicks. There is absolutely no point in approaching her.

- That everyone is happier and richer than you. Truth be known, everyone else in your carriage is also working out how much money a day they have to live off between now and payday on their iPhone calculator. 

- That when people swear at their computer screen, they are the most stressed and overworked people in your office. In actual fact, 9 times out of 10, they've just forgotten their Amazon password.

- That everyone on the 23.53 from Victoria is as pissed as you on a Thursday night. Blind eye cast on all shift workers. 

- People that are glued to their Blackberry on public transport are very executive, extremely important and very rich. High chances are they are just having a BBM row with their Mrs. 

- People that studied Art History at University must have a serious pot habit. People that studied Physics probably only got around to having sex at the age of 27. People that studied Beauty Therapy didn't go to school. 

-People that go to festivals love getting off their titty kakkas on illegal highs. And that's the only reason they go. Nothing to do with the music. Or the atmosphere. Nothing at all. 

- A guy holding a bunch of flowers is obviously groveling. And has acted like an utter dickhead. He isn't just being Mr Nice.

- Skinny girls don't get a sweaty bum or cleavage in the gym. Or feel like they are going to cough up their lung when they run. Also, the skinniness is completely effortless. Nothing to do with the fact they stopped doing anything fun at the age of 19. 

- A man wearing a short sleeved shirt and tie combo must work in Accounts. Or IT. Obviously.

- People with double barreled surnames must be the offspring of middle class hippies. Or aristocrats.  Not just normal people from Balham that couldn't make a decision.

Oh and of course...

- Your nether regions are the only ones your doctor has ever seen, and you must therefore have a near heart attack every time they need to look down there. Truth being, cupping your balls is pretty much like signing off an invoice to them. No dramas.

& then there's of course the assumptions that are always correct, and are the reason that we do assume. 

It's fair to assume that a cup of tea will no doubt make you feel better no matter the situation, Polish people really do love drinking vodka. And yes, traffic wardens really are all arseholes.

LL x

Knackered

It's been a ridiculous four weeks. Early mornings at work, late finishes and later nights out. Bad sleeping patterns, even worse eating habits and an overwhelming sense of wanting to break down in tears because I'm so bloody tired. It's my own fault. I've had the chance to stay in a recoup from the most stressful period at work, spend time on my own with some scented candles and a good book. Low and behold I scoff at that, believe I'm superwoman and opt for the pub.

Friday night hit me like a ten tonne of bricks. Homeward bound on a packed Victoria Line train and for the first time in a long time, I nodded off on public transport. That's when I realised how absolutely buggered I really was. And it hit me how many typically 'tired person' things I've been doing for the last month.
 

There are things in life that only tired people do. Not slightly under-slept people. I'm talking the exhausted among us. And here's some of them.

- You spend at least 75% of your day just staring. Staring into space. Staring at your laptop. Staring at strangers. Shifting your gaze takes more brain power than you can possibly spare. 

- You eat more bread than the average family get through in a week. Mainly because it requires no cooking. Secondly because it's always there. Thirdly because you can dip it into anything remotely less dense in the fridge and kid yourself you are having a 'meal'. 

- You rarely eat lunch, meaning when you sit opposite someone on the way home eating fast food, you devise vicious ways to either mug or murder them. For no other reason than to lay claim on their chicken nuggets. Mmmm nuggets.

- You have internal debates about how much you actually need to shower. You know you'll feel a million times better if you do, but at the same time the walk to the bathroom, undressing and getting into the shower feels like some version of Tough Mudder in your head and you just can't face it. 

- You get hammered after two glasses of wine. Like, out of the game. 

- You grunt at almost everything. 

- You well up at everything else. 

- You get 'dry eye'. You know when your eyes feel like the bottom of your flip flop? Yeah that's the one. 

- By Thursday, you resort to setting 15 alarms. You know as well as the next man that you are snoozing at least 12 of them bad boys.

- You'd never admit to it, but you have been known to just shut your eyes for a minute when you're on the loo.

- You become so absent minded that you run the risk of near fatal accidents at least twice an hour. No kettle or bread knife is safe in your presence. You all remember the time when you nearly gave yourself third degree burns when making a cuppa because, funnily enough, you were staring into space?!

- You ache in places you didn't even know could ache. Like the bit right under your bum. What the fuck is that all about? 

- Despite your near death exhaustion you still insist on watching 3 episodes of Family Guy before you got to sleep. Even though it's 11pm. Even though you have to be up in 6 hours. Even though you have definitely seen them all before.

- You give up all hope of seeming  attractive. You have greasy hair and spotty skin and eyes that look like Pete Doherty's on a comedown. You are Tired Girl, and you want nobody to look at you. 

- Yawning is so enjoyable. It becomes like a little hourly treat. 

- Strangers on public transport become strangely cuddly looking. Except if they are eating McDonalds of course. 

- You bump into everything. All of the time. 

- You have no ability to retain any useful information. Sometimes, even the order of the alphabet doesn't come naturally. 

- You become besties with the woman in Pret. She just hands you a dirty cheese croissant and a coffee when you walk in to save you having to actually say words. 

- You don't walk. You shuffle. A bit like your Great Aunt. You know the one with the frame? 

- You devise amazing ways to conserve energy. Like changing the channel on the remote with your toes to save you bending over. You do it and then you feel like a champion. But you can't celebrate for too long. Because your wrecked. 

- You struggle to form sentences and revert to pointing at everything. If people don't understand what you mean, you start to really hate them. 

-Even your glasses don't stop the fuzzy vision. 

- Finding your oyster card or keys makes you feel like you've been chucked in the deep end of The Crystal Maze. It's really bloody stressful. 

- Oh and despite all of this, come Saturday morning when the lie you've been looking forward to since Monday comes knocking, you still wake up at work time. Because you were so bloody tired you forgot to turn off your fecking alarm! 

LLx

Overhearing

And for some light amusement, here's a few of the stupidest & most ridiculous things I have overheard this week. 

Girl 1: What are potato wedges?

Girl 2: You know....wedges

-

Train Driver: The next station is Streatham Hill.

Woman A: Excuse me, does this train go to Streatham Hill?

-

'Because, I know what a black coffee is, but what's a white coffee. Like, how would I make that?'

-

Man A: Snapchatting is only good for naked shit really.

Man B: True story. 

-

Woman: But I put a weekly travel card on this last Tuesday for crying out loud, why won't it let me through?

TFL Worker: Because it's Wednesday 

-

'Yeah, I mean, granted I asked him to sleep in my bed, but I really think like he overstepped the mark, don't you?'

-

Man Standing Outside Brixton Tube Station: Yeah, no totally running on time, just got out at Oxford Circus mate, see you in a second. 

-

'No it was a good deal really. It was like one for three quid, or two for six so I just got the two. Cheaper that way'.

-

LL x