Girl Pain

After waking up super late, with hair that looked like I'd done ten rounds with a bush this morning, I was running behind. Well behind. As way of a change. As such, I was forced to apply my make up on a packed London Victoria bound train. Not OK.

I looked up, whilst using my iPhone camera as a mirror (all of the class, especially when your camera takes a photo of you by accident, see above) to see a bloke staring at me. 

It wasn't through lust (clearly - 8am Jo aint a sight to behold), it was through pure and utter bewilderment....Bewilderment, that on a moving train, I was painting my face in with some precision using a non reflective surface as a mirror. He looked on in agony as my mascara wand reached my eyeball. The train halted and the wand went into my eye. Like a true pro, out came the face wipes, away went the tear and on I carried. By this stage my man looked like he wanted to weep.

It was in that moment that it dawned on me, that there are many painful things in life that only females will understand.

Boys. Read. Take Note.

The things we go through. 

Here's some of them. (credits to our Shezza Webb for her help on this one today)

The Mascara Wand In Eye

The reason for this post. No sting quite like the entry of pure black liqud into your pupil...on the end of a sharp bristled stick. Once the pain passes, along comes the 3 hour fear that you'll contract some sort of eye infection and loose your eye. Because you're a woman, so as such are completely irrational. 

Nail Varnish Remover In A Cut

Oh hey pure acid in my blood stream....how do?! Que... jumping around your room like a complete fruit cake whilst still managing to not smudge or knock your recently applied Barry M.

 Girl...you got this.

Tweezing

Ohhhhh. The one by one removal of every hair in your face. One at a painful time. Whilst you hang your head under a bright lamp to make sure you don't miss any strays. All because it's the week before payday and you can't afford a thread. Pain.

Threading

The joys of having a small grandma lean over your head with cotton in her mouth whilst she slices your face apart. Like the eyebrows aren't bad enough...roll on my girl getting one knee on the arm of your chair and starting on your top lip. TOE. CURL.

Deodorant

Deodorant on a freshly shaved armpit. 

Holy. Mary. Mother. Of. God.

Catching Your Leg On A Razor

Oh yes. The removal of one's own skin on a Lady Bic. Now that's bad. Putting cream on your leg afterwards. I said GOD DAMN!

Getting Your Hair Caught In A Zip

No lads, clean your minds. Your head hair getting caught in your coat zip. Tears on a train mate. Tears. On. A. Train.

When A Bloke Bites Your Lip And Thinks It's Sexy

To a degree, we can all get involved and enjoy the odd nibble. When matey starts chomping on that thing like it's a corn on a cob and you're just sitting there thinking...I gotta put lip coat on that shit tomorrow and man is that going to sting!

Underwire Appearing From Nowhere

Oh hey old bra.

 Oh hey underwire popping out the side and straight into your breast. 

Oh hey paranoia that you might end up without a boob by the end of the day.

Chaffing

Come on we've all had it. Especially the larger thighed amongst us. You wear an older pair of tights, the elastic isn't what it was and low and behold your dear old legs rub together like a pair of bastards. Ever so red. Ever, ever so sore.

Roll on the ritual humiliation of having to Sudocream them bad boys like you've got nappy rash!

Hairbands

When you leave a hairband on over night. And you wake up with a trench in your arm. And a female irrational fear that you might loose your hand. Yeah. That. 

Touching Of A Tender Boob 

That sensitive time of the month...and someone goes for a grab of the boob. And as much as you don't want to ruin the mood, you want to suckerpunch them in the head. Then fall into a heap on the floor.

Mother Nature

That time of the month in general. When you are a rank, sweaty, bloated mess with a lower belly that feels like it's having a knife run across it. LUSSSSHHH. 

& last but by no means least.

Our favorite..

Waxing

As if the ripping of one's hair and skin onto strips of paper isn't agony enough, nobody quite prepares you for the hot shower afterwards, when you feel like you're nether regions are going to explode. But above all that is the agony of having to have a conversation with the woman who is in between your legs with a lollystick and a hot pot of wax.

'All the way back dear?'

'Please...and why not just strip off the remainder of my pride whilst you're there babe'

Cheers

LL x

25

The quarter of a century milestone is fast approaching & to be honest, I'm having a mild panic. As a teenager, 25 is practically ancient and by this age you assume that you'll have achieved every one of your dreams.

At 12 I was convinced I'd be a famous actress by now, living in an amazing apartment over looking Beverly Hills with a husband & 4 kids.

In reality, I'm still in my Mum's spare room and walk the length of Brixton Hill each day, not red carpets.

In my journey to the big 25, I've learnt some key things, things I wish I could have told my 12 year old self.


Here's 25 of them.

1. Films are in fact enhanced versions of reality. People don't fall in love on the tube. Men don't chase you to airports.

2. It does you good to watch Newsnight or alike. Funny as it seems, intelligence is attractive. TOWIE is actual shite.

3. If he doesn't text you back, he's not being aloof, he's not playing it cool, he's just not that interested. Move on.

4. Snapchat doesn't constitute flirting.

5. One bottle of wine is usually enough. If people dare you to drink more, you don't actually have to.

6. If you get to the day before payday and have money left in your bank, you don't have to immediately spend it. Your account doesn't reset every last Friday of the month.

7. Getting pissed on a Monday will ultimately result in you getting pissed every other night of that week.

8. Cut out Malia, Zante and alike. Just go straight to Ibiza and realise what an actual clubbing holiday is like. Fall in love with the island. Vow to always return.

9. Approach flames with caution. Especially old flames.

10. Expensive make up is money well spent. Cheap wine is not.

11. Shaved legs are always important. 2nd date or 2nd baby. There's no excuse.

12. You won't win the lottery. Be on time for work, don't rage your boss.

13. Talking of punctuality, live by the rule that if you are on time, you are late. Be ten minutes early.(I can't take the credit for this one, it's someone else's motto, but it's a good'un)

14. Accept compliments graciously. Don't be staggered by someone finding something nice about you.

15. Being nice is easier then being horrible. Smile, be polite, go far.

16. You can't have 26 best mates. At most you'll have 4. Invest in them.

17. Don't buy clothes that you have to slim into. You will never wear them.

18. Your passport should be one of your most precious possessions.

19. Print your photos. Technology is amazing and great for many things. Don't rely on it to house your memories.

20. Don't hold grudges. He might have been a tit & upset you, but if he's trying...let him.

21. It's unlikely you'll ever be famous. Get a job you love, do well at it & earn a good wage.

22. Facebook is irritating and borders on dangerous. Don't rely on it as your only means of communication. Go to the pub & talk to your mates.

23. Don't waste your time trying to be like other people. You're the best at being you so you might as well just stick with it.

24. You'll fall 'in love' a few times before the real time comes a knocking. And apparently, when it does, you know.

25. You are only 25. Don't go rushing into forevers. There are years left. Enjoy them. Wear stupid shoes, go home when the sun's up & always say yes to tequila.

LL x